Alright, so I'm gonna send an email out to Eddy, Matt and Susan. If anyone wants to be copied, paste your email address here. This is just beyond belief. It is unfortunate we have to let Apple leadership know this service is broken and most probably call out people (sadly). This sort of delay is severely severed my relationship with customers and users. I plan to send the email out over the week-end
Escalation to Apple Developer Leadership
Thank you for your post. We're investigating and will contact you in App Store Connect to provide further assistance. If you continue to experience issues during review, please contact us.
My app has been stuck on "In Review" for an unusually long time. Typically, it takes 2–3 days to move from "Waiting for Review" to "In Review," and only about 3 hours from "In Review" to a decision. However, this time it's been sitting in review well beyond that window. I can also confirm from my database that no reviewer has logged in or created a test account yet, so it doesn't appear the review has actively started. I'm not sure what's causing the delay. I'd prefer not to request an expedited review at this point, but I may need to - I have a time sensitive pre-order launch I'm trying to get live as soon as possible. WTF is going on Apple. I am paying $100 per year and this process shouldn't be this painful.